Paper Doll

I like to think that my silence, my carefully conjured indifference is just my way of preserving my dignity. But I already know know I have none left. I surrendered it all when I first looked up into your eyes and realized I didnt have to pretend to be in love with you.

Every time we'd break apart my heart would cry out in protest. I had to curb every instinct that shouted for me to linger in your arms. Those dark eyes, warm as the melting chocolate effect you know had on my knees, could envelop me in your embrance with as much certainity as your lean muscles were capable of doing. That last night when you clutched me tightly and spun me up in the air, your brown orbs were as bright as stage lights, as blinding and as bewitching.

You had never held me like that before. Catherine maybe. But not ME. Damn, was that deceptive.

I knew in that instant, that my passion for you had much in common with my new found love for the theatre. Completely irrational as both these things were so far beyond me, things I could never have imagined wanting. But at the same time completely steady; for I was willing to wait till the opportune moment where I may someday gain each.

Perhaps one day this patient, deep well of affection I feel for you will fade. Maybe Ill be able to dance with other boys, listen to the Mills Brothers and talk of marriage with someone other than you. But that will not, can not lessen the impact you've had on my poor fragile heart. You are the first boy for whom Ive felt something other than the head strong youthful urgency to posses, insipte of the fact that my insane attraction to you is undeniable.

I was, maybe still am, content to let our fictitious relationship mature, like a fine wine. I want you in full bloom, not half baked. Romantically or platonically, I really cant say. But I think that right now I might just love you. Just a little bit.

Breaking Dawn

Dont get me wrong. Most Twilight fans are bound to misunderstand. I did enjoy Breaking Dawn.

I loved it infact. I love the way it sits on my tiny ebony chest, perched over my ancient Vogues.I love leafing through my favourite parts, once, twice, a third time. I love the cover, the dramatic red and white chess set. I love the fact that its the main book on every teenage girls mind from here to Mars. I love Jacobs blond jokes and Renesmee's brown eyes. I love that Edward bit pillows and Esme bough them a house. I love Bella's reaction to her "before" car; the Mercedes and how she still misses her Chevy. Emmet's sexual innuendos crack me up. Alice's heroism astounds me and Jasper's irritation only intensifies my lil crush on him. Carlisle's ability to inspire respect in his enemy puts a smile on my face and I kind of like Aro and Caius because without the Volutri vampires dont make sense. Siobhan is a beautifully detailed miniature and the Romanions intrigue me to no end. Im absolutely longing for a book on Garret and Kate. Switching narrators was a stroke of inpiration. And most surprisingly I was touched by Edward's newly found relationship with Jacob. "My brother, My son". I cant help but feel wistful at the idea of their happy forever.

However inspite of all of this, as soon as I finished Breaking Dawn [by which I mean I re read a few hundred times] I crept to my bookshelves and tugged out Eclipse. I read the scene where Jacob kisses Bella and she finally gets it. I read the part where he runs off into the sunset. I wept a bit when Bella got her last dance with her best man.

I snap the book shut and place back on it pedestal very carefully. And then I pretend it never happened. I pretend that all my knowledge of the saga ended with Bella and Edward's wedding preparations and Jacob's murky future as he dissapears over the horizon. I pretend that Twilight ended with the last bitter sweet pages of Eclipse.

Because I cannot let go of the epic love triangle that was Edward, Bella and Jacob. I cant forget that Bella kissed Jacob and meant it. That she felt he was in this world her soulmate, her sun, her alternate futre. I cannot forget his certainity that he was exactly right for her. I like to think I like Jacob. But truth is Id rather have him miserably pining after Bella, running away to escape her, than happy with her daughter!

Had this book directly followed Twilight or New Moon I would have instantly adored it. I cant. I am still under the spell of Eclipse. Therefore I am very sorry but as far as I am concerned- Breaking Dawn never HAPPENED.

Thank you.

The Cynical dare to risk the Romantic; Fiction of course.

Every second that I spent with him was torture of the most delectable kind. A strange raw electricity filled the air between us. We were like dancers, warriors, circling each other but never quite touching. At the slightest hint of surrender one or the other drew back, frightened of what conclusion we may reach. He reached forward and brushed my cheek with the back of his hand. The feel of his skin on mine both delighted and scared me. The blood flowed to my face. I looked up at him in what was intended to be merely a glance but the look in his eyes captured mine.

He leaned towards me till I could see every fleck of gold in his gray eyes. My heart thumped so loudly against my chest that I was sure he could hear it too. Then he very gently crossed the short distance between us and pressed his lips against mine, leaning over the table that parted our bodies. I could taste the mocha on the edges of his mouth as he deepened contact. The kiss was a short one, sweet as honey but bitter as vinegar. It was the epitome of our relationship, so terribly wrong and destructive but at the same time so overwhelmingly wonderful that even this brief embrace left me speechless. My lips trembled. I couldn’t utter a word.

I took a deep breath, slowly returning to the world around me; shocked to find that the café was now almost full with the morning rush. My cheeks grew red with embarrassment. In a customary nervous habit I began pulling down the ends of my long sleeves. He seemed to notice my discomfort and acknowledged it with a slightly crooked grin. Far braver souls than I had melted at the sight of that smile.

Presenting the Stupendous Talents of Miss Whats-Her-Name-Again

Introductions are long and tedious. Feel free to plunge into my world without further ado.

Not so long ago I would have scoffed at the very idea of a blog. Of a public journal. I know find myself intoxicated bvy the prospect. I would have doubtless felt the need to say that all details of my private life were reserved for the viewing of my nearest and dearest. I now find myself desperate to have a number of strangers voyeur over my intimate existence.

Enjoy!!